Five Days Are Gone

I changed a lot throughout last year's last month and I didn't even have any say in it.

It's not just that I changed continents. The change changed me and brought up the worst things possible. From anxiety, to panic attacks, to bouts of claustrophobia even in large rooms.

It seemed as though my mind was rejecting change and reacting to living healthier. 

Sleeping much earlier than midnight after being a night owl for too many years seemed to make me wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air and sensing the ceiling right next to my nose and the walls embracing me, even in a room that's so much larger than the one I've been sleeping in for years.

At least that's the doctor's theory as to why I had so much trouble sleeping. It was all in my head, he said.

That's the worst possible diagnosis.

I always dreaded taking drugs, but that's what I had to resort to for the first three weeks here. I had a chest infection, a skin condition and a wound that's still healing. The last drug I took was an anxiolytic, because I couldn't calm myself down sometimes. I'm off of it now for almost a week.

Everyone still says everything was caused by the big change. I know I'm an expert at adapting myself. I know I was the one unconsciously causing all the reactions that made me a different person.

I still think it was caused by all the things I carried with me from Portugal. I don't want to sound cliché by saying my baggage, but that's what it is. My baggage caused me to freak out for some reason.

I thought I'd write about all this in English. I already explained some of it in Portuguese, but there are things that sound better or make more sense in other languages.

Anyway. Even with so many annoying things bothering me, time flew. I got to visit places, meet family members I had only heard about, and plan other visits. 

I just noticed that five days from January are gone. I haven't made any goals for this year yet.

One goal I cannot change, though, is that I'll celebrate by birthday in one month.

Vanessa